20 Jan 17

“Why aren’t you with anyone?” Because I don’t want to. “Why is that?” I know what’s it’s like to love some one else, it’s time for me to love me.

I have fun. I don’t worry about where the other half of my heart is or hurt at night because it’s out doing me wrong. Or lying. Or being greedy and needy… cheating. I go to work, I go out with friends – and don’t have to check in with anyone or be questioned on who they are – and then I go to sleep. I don’t feel unappreciated or unloved or used, I appreciate, love and cherish myself and my life. 

“Not every guy is like that, [insert my real name].”

“You shouldn’t allow the hurt of your past to guard so much of what could be your future.”

“Just because he hurt you doesn’t mean everyone will…”

I’ve heard it all before. Don’t think for one second that I’m heartless because of the pain of a past love. Most people, they love hard, they hurt hard, then they give up on loving at all. Me? I like to think of my broken heart as the pieces I can give to others. I believe in love because I have so much of it to give...but I will not entertain contrasting love anymore. One of my most unfavorable traits is adulation in love. I invest so much of myself in others that if the emotion is not returned properly or equally, I will break. 2 years with Xavier required me six months (yes, it’s been that long) to reconstruct. Meanwhile it took him not even a month to move on. This, my dearest readers, is contrasting love.

Self-adulation: A favorable trait that I’ve attained in only a quarter of the time it took for me to learn adulation.

Although recently, I’ve found out that X and Kala are no longer together and I must admit that my foresight of their “relationship” (that it would last only a few months) was correct. But that concession was only for you all. I truthfully don’t care.

In the last six months of 2016, I explored different options and learned more personalities. I even went on a few dates. My father taught me that the purpose of dating is not to find the title “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”. It’s to find who is supposed to be your “one”. The one God put on this earth for you, who you are meant to marry and join lives with, who you are going to die with. Xavier liked to call me his “mate” or “partner”. I’m sure I would remember if he ever considered me to be his soul mate (…as I did him).  Anyway, I knew those dates weren’t going anywhere so I didn’t pretend. I don’t have it in me (let alone the time) to be unreal or unrealistic. Some people were hurt along the way because I wouldn’t use them to merely fill the void. They wanted me to lie to them, myself and everyone who saw us together. Instead, I let those men go on to find… well, their one. Regardless of their feelings for  me and what they thought they knew was right.

I think Fiero loves me as much I am capable of loving him back. He’s told me before, but I didn’t let my heart believe it until he sent me another package last week containing a brand new tablet. A stranger walked by as I opened the package and heard me mumble to myself “I cannot believe this man…” and after seeing my surprise, she commented, “If that’s not love, I don’t know what is, girl.” And I could only think: It sure is. But I’m still scared of the possibilities. [If you don’t know/remember who Fiero is, read “27 Nov 16”]

On the other hand, Q and I have a very real and more realistic chance at something… remarkable. He’s not too old (Not that Fiero is old, but older than I’m used to), he doesn’t already have a child, his ambition matches mine perfectly (unlike X), and we mix oh, so well. Not to also mention that I’ve actually seen him in person. However, Q holds back so much because he doesn’t realize his own potential – let alone ours. Too, I think that might cause contrast in more than just love… We’re just going with the flow of life, as I suggested.

So, call me what you want. I’m not using anyone, I’m not heartless, I’m just… I’m willing to wait for my forever. Now, I’d be a liar if I said my life is now full of flowers and safety gum drops. I’m not completely at peace, and (as I’ve previously admitted to Q) I find myself wishing I had someone to hold and care for me. That breath of loneliness only occurs on some rare nights though. At the end of it all I have me to take care of. And I’m content with that insight for now.

I’m going on a ski trip in February. Initially, I instinctively invited a male along. Instead, I think I’m just going to go with one of the girls and really let go of everything. Leave 2016 and the last two years on that mountain.

 

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