My Mistake

Alright, time to be candid. It’s not that I haven’t been honest with you all. I figured it’s about time to flip a few more pages of my history book. I do apologize for my absence. It took me a while to determine exactly how much I wanted to share on this online diary of mine. I really had to reach within myself and become comfortable enough to trust that I’m not who I used to be, and be okay with the criticism I know I’ll receive from the actions of the previous girl’s responsibility.

What human hasn’t made multiple mistakes in their life? Well, we are human. You see, a lot of my mistakes I do not regret because they’ve helped me learn more of myself and the people around me. These missteps only guided me towards the correct path. However, I have two major experiences that I feel have dreadfully affected my life. Real, ‘Why did I do that?” moments.  I said that I would share my biggest mistake in a previous post (Intoxicated part one.) Whelp, here it is.

The summer of 2012, my transition in between freshman and sophomore year, I talked to a man who we’ll refer to as Kyle. Now this man had been friends with my a brief ex of mine. And I only say brief because we only lasted a week or so. He’d left me because he was displeased with the idea of my – at the time – celibacy and despite his efforts to get with me over the last year, he couldn’t even fathom the idea of waiting. Now, my attraction to his friend was completely unexpected.

I have a lot of male friends and I never get with any of them. I’d rather play basketball or video games than be taken on a date or go shopping and I realized this a long time ago. More male friends make those activities more… enjoyable. It’s cool because a lot of guys apparently love girls that can hang with the guys. Anyway, I never intended to be more than just that : One of the guys. And that’s exactly what Kyle was to me, until summer arrived and he reached out to me under the impression that me and his friend were still together – My original impulsion to connect the two friends turned into attraction.

I liked Kyle because he was great at manipulation and lying – something I was still poor at perceiving. To me, he was the perfect Christian man with some similar interests and the same doubts about the religion as anyone. I loved talking to him. I remember his greatest characteristics being his ambition in football and life, his superficial interest in what I had to say / how I felt and his ability to hold a long conversation without cursing or becoming boring. I spent the best of that summer talking and getting to know the him he wanted me to know. Oh, he was this innocent, God-fearing man who claimed to also be celibate… whom, I was greatly infatuated with.

And don’t worry, he respected his friend and my ex so much that we both talked to him about it and he expressed little care. At first.

I don’t recall how he became sexually inclined with each other. We shared fantasies and dreams on the phone and I think we were just mutually curious, despite our “celibacy”. We talked about the things we would like to try with each other and how and when.

Not too long before school started up again, my brief ex and his friend changed his mind. He decided that if Kyle and I were to be together, they wouldn’t be friends. Of course, Kyle chose who he thought was best… yet we promised to never forget what we’d built over the summer. The school year started on September fourth. On September sixth, Kyle randomly texted me in the middle of study hall to meet him. I feel like that should’ve been a sign of alarm right there. But in the moment, I didn’t question or hesitate as I got a pass from one of my favorite teachers of all time. I don’t even recall what I was thinking as I walked through the halls to see Kyle. And my doing just that is what I still consider to be the worst mistake of my life.

The early occurrences of that moment are still very blurry to me. I remember being in the stall of a men’s bathroom with K, his stature being much taller than I could ever recall in the previous school year. We kissed for the first (and last) time for a long time. He touched me. I wasn’t there in the moment, my head was still in school (which is why it’s so difficult for me To relive the moment) but my body was, and I only remember that detail because I still hear K’s whispering voice above my head… He didn’t hesitate to express his approval.

He reminded me of what we’d talked about over the summer before he unzipped his black pants. I remembered and I went for it… It still pains my stomach thinking about it. What I did following was brief – maybe three minutes. That part is clear to me because I remember Kyle abruptly ceasing my action for unexplained reasons. Before I could think anything negative, he exhibited his delight with a small gesture. We were just about to depart but then, “Alright, I know you’re in there. Come on out.”

The world froze on its axis. But Kyle immediately acted by trying to protect me. He gently pushed me aside and stepped out of the stall first, as to superficially portray himself as solo. But the guard – despite Kyle’s claims of isolation – did not relent. I remember the exact shoes I had on because it was a long walk to the principal’s office and I stared at them the whole time. As we waited in the office, Kyle tried to speak to me but I couldn’t even look at him, let alone speak. I knew I’d made a major mistake and I felt stupid.

What happened next? Well, I was suspended from school for four days and sent to in-school suspension for four more. My father was sure to punish me with a beating and legions of chore lists, so I had plenty to do to pass the time. My father wanted me to feel ashamed, humiliated. He told my family, the primary members of the church, took me out of any extra curricular activities (orchestra and choir) and kept me sealed in that house just so I could hear him break me down and abolish me. I was his “bobble head” daughter… oh, but never mind that because no daughter of his would be a “ho.” These and words of similar mutilation are all I heard from him almost a year straight.

The principal advised both Kyle and I to keep quiet about the situation, but by the time I’d returned, the whole school (including the teachers) knew.  My peers were telling me I did things that I didn’t even do, and by the time it reached me, the situation had been stretched so far that you would’ve thought of me as some kind of… slut.

I was very wrong about Kyle. My conversations with him that summer lead me to believe that I could trust him with my curiosities and fantasies. I believed he could trust me as I thought I could him and that he would never go and banter/gossip or deceive. I thought: He risked his friendship for me, he was going to take all of the consequences alone! And those facts had to mean something. Then again, I was very naïve.

If you’ve read a previous post of mine, “How it Really Started,” then you know of my depression and displeasure to live. Going to school to feel the eyes and rumors of students enshroud me only to go “home” to the scathing affection of my father only made me want to scythe myself. It hurt so much because I knew that I’d only brought all of the torture upon… yours truly. Late 2012 into almost all of 2013 was literally the worst time period of my life. (In March of 2013, my little brother was born and I think that he allowed me to make it through to the next year.)

I avoided Kyle – regardless of his apologies (I knew better this time) throughout the rest of my sophomore year. I met Xavier towards the end of it and dated him right before I became a junior. That’s when my life started to seem brighter. Yes, he knew of the rumors and I was honest with X when explaining what really happened. A year since the situation, students were still trying to sway Xavier’s view of me with slander. However, he showed no interest in their words in the beginning.In fact, he only threw what I’d done in my face in the latter of the two years we were together. Xavier was knowledgeable of which dirt to throw anytime he was upset. But I loved him.

Kyle reached out to me about midway through my junior year and by then, I was ready to mend all scars of the past. I offered to be his friend again, to be in the same room with him without feeling awkward. Instead, he twisted my words and tried to cause conflict between Xavier and I by spreading more lies and rumors. I guess males really do mature later than females. I decided in that time frame that it would be years before I would ever possibly make his acquaintance. The last time I saw Kyle was a year later, after we both graduated from the school and I waited only a couple of months until my departure from the state. I was in a rush (as usual) to catch the bus in front of the hospital near my grandmother’s house, a plan to surprise Xavier at his home. As I sped past the hospital, I saw K in a uniform, holding open the glass door for a woman. I assumed he worked there…maybe some sort of training? Earlier, I’d expected our encounter to be on a football field somewhere and I felt small disappointment at this. Then again, I could be wrong. These were my thoughts in my passing.  By the time he realized it was me (my hair wasn’t cut to such a short style previously) I’d already dodged his eye contact. He called to me and waved but I blatantly ignored him. It was quite rude now that I think on it and I probably could’ve handled the situation in a better way. However, It’ll be a long while before I have anything positive to say to that man.

There are many old sayings about making mistakes, how not to repeat them and the kind of person you are for doing so. I’ll share a sentiment I read in a book one time on trust… “It’s simple: If someone feeds you bullshxt, don’t eat from them again.”

 

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