27 Nov 16

This week has been…eventful. My job has been more stressful than ever, my past has been showing its fangs and my body has been causing me health issues. No, I’m not pregnant. And I only canceled that thought so quickly because my acquaintances love to go there just as swiftly.

I took the depo shot (a form of birth control) when I was 16 and continued to get it so as not to get pregnant with Xavier. After about two doses of the hormone, my period slowed and then stopped. To make a long story short – we were together for two years and so for two years I did not bleed… which really isn’t healthy. Anyway, since we’ve parted I no longer need the shot and so eventually, menstruation started up again. And well now, I’m bleeding WAY too much. For at least five days, twice a month for the last three months. Yesterday, I could hardly get out of bed, I was so weak – literally shaking.

My mom says it’s just my body catching up to itself (and she often reminds me not have sex because I am probably fertile times 3000). My roommate says I need more iron. I thought  I was just really dehydrated, but I’m going to see a doctor about it tomorrow.

I cannot talk about my job or why it’s so stressful because it’s highly confidential. But I always talk and write about my past to you readers. Not because I’m still stuck on it, but because it helps me move on. What’s wrong with telling my story? Not a damn thing. And it’s my diary so I have absolutely no reason to lie. Know that everything I tell you is to the best of my memory and I would never exaggerate or dramatize. Apparently, you lovely followers have interest in the events that happened. I’ll be sure to share more another time.

There’s another man in my life that I feel deeply for. One might even use the word, “love”. Sometimes I’m hesitant to use it because this man still feels like a fantasy. I know I love him and he knows it too. In fact, it’s quite mutual. I’m just so guarded…

I’ve known this man for three years, but I’ve never met him. His name is Fiero – okay, not really but… you know the rest. I’ll give you our back story:

It was a full year before I met Xavier. I was 15, and (a little fact you didn’t know about me) I played the PlayStation 3, along with many other gaming systems. Yes, we met online. Fiero is his gaming name and it happened to grow on me. We were in the same room on GTA and he casually invited me to join his club. I did and I eventually became his partner in crime. One time, we talked from 8 at night to 8 in the morning… long after the rest of the crew had logged off and passed out. I remember laying in my bed and listening to this man who I didn’t know, his voice in my earpiece. The only vision I always had in my head was his online character. It sounds so funny, now that I think about it. And he’ll probably read this with a chuckle too.

I don’t know how to explain what happened from there. I talked to him every weekend, all weekend for a year. I knew so much about him yet I still didn’t even know what he looked like! A large part of me didn’t want to. Just relate for a minute. This was a fantasy: A man – over ten years older than you and multiple states away – with a really nice voice and so much experience while you’re only 15 and have no clue what to do with life yet. I didn’t want to ruin what we had, because in my head, he was perfect.

When he finally sent me a picture of himself, I was not disappointed. If anything, I was more disappointed in his reality, how possible it was to encounter him and be happy or hurt. Age wasn’t a huge factor to us, though very…There. And though I always acted older and more mature than my generation (I still get a few years added to my current age by strangers) and was always attracted to older men, Fiero and I knew that it would be a few more years before anything serious came about. In the mean time, we would casually enjoy each other as much as time and distance would allow. That is, before I was sent to my father’s house with more restriction and less online access… And before I met Xavier.

I didn’t tell Fiero about him until it became serious. When X was on my mind a lot more than him. And as expected, he stood by. Offered advice when I needed and provided what I needed emotionally what Xavier stopped giving. Oddly enough, Fiero knew I was unhappy before I did. “I’ve been trying to lift your heavy heart, but you won’t let me,” he said. Despite his life and his moves, Fiero was never unavailable to me. And that is something I will never forget. I didn’t know of his surprise to my engagement until just a few months ago. He’d detached from me emotionally and only offered support in times X and I weren’t getting along. And X knew about Fiero. Maybe not all of our history, but as the leader of my online car crew and… a friend. And that’s not because I hid him, but because for some reason, X knew better than to ask for more detail. I think the age thing always slightly disturbed him and the thought of his (at the time) current girl and a history with a much older man… yea, he left it alone.

Fiero used to be in my career field and greatly supported my decision to leave. For the months that I couldn’t contact anyone back home, he left many messages to fill my phone. He was the first of my friends to know of the separation. He was the first to hear me cry over it.

Why do I love him? Because he sees me… even though he’s never seen me. And always has.

Now that I’m of age, there are so many possibilities. Though the gaming thing sort of phased out, we’ve been talking and video chatting more often than ever. I’ve gotten three large care packages in the mail from him, filled with more than items of care… I feel like they also included everything I know he has to offer.

Here’s a song that reminds me of Fiero. It made me tear up when he sent it to me.

I don’t know how to explain why I’m not going for it. I mean, I’ve been tied down for the last two years in my life and a relationship is just not what I want at the moment. I know we would be perfect… or as perfect as any realistic relationship can be. And that’s another thing. Part of me wants to give us a chance, while the other part of me wants him to stay a fantasy. My last relationship taught me that things can go wrong so unexpectedly. Plus, he’s thirty. He’s got a daughter already and I am great with kids but I don’t like the idea of being a step-mom. He’s already talked about moving where I am and getting a house and making this super official.  And superficially, it sounds dandy. When I truly think about it, it’s not dandy. I still need to find the me I am without Xavier. And truthfully? I’m scared.

I’m scared of all the possibilities.


Wish me luck at the doctors’ office tomorrow.

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