13 Nov 16

I had a conversation with a very good friend last night. He confided in me by telling me what he’d recently been through. He also told me what he’d done to move forward. I figured… it’s time I do the same. And so, I’ll continue to tell my past, but it’s time you lovely followers know how I’m living currently.

There are multiple men in my life that are held reserved, close. I tried to put them in order of importance to me, but that is so difficult seeing as how I have love for each one. Now, I’m no K Michelle, and I don’t throw the word “love” around haphazardly. I know genuinely that if any of these men left my life, I’d be passionately hurt.

I’ll start with the man on the phone last night. We’ll refer to him as… Q. He’s about 3-4 years older than me and I’ve known him for a little over a year now. To give you some (a lot of) background: We met through a mutual friend who worked at the college I was smart enough to attend in my senior year of high school. I followed the two when they met outside on a smoke break, talking. And Q and I connected from there.

Xavier and I were together, and I made sure Q knew that… Which is why he and I remained nothing but friends at first. I smoked with him in his car and his room  with another friend of ours, Dave. He turned me on to the show “Walking Dead” and usually, the most we did was watch that, smoke and listen to music. Am I attracted to him? Yes, and I still am very much so. But I was very loyal to Xavier and Q always respected that.

Xavier, however, didn’t approve. In any other situation, I would’ve respected his disapproval, but he never showed the same care and caution to my feelings when it came to the females at his college, and well, I thought it as only fair for me to have male friends too.

Petty? Yes… And I wasn’t always this way. I’ve only told you about the first year of our relationship  – and only the positives. You have so much more to learn about the urn of “love” Xavier used to ash his cigarettes, his dirt and me in. I’ll dig more up eventually… it still burns.

Back to Q.

Our conversations were… fire. I don’t know if it was what we were smoking or the chill music, or his oh-so-relaxing persona. No matter what I was stressing over, he could talk to me and make me forget about it. And, he’d only known me (or the me I was allowing him to know)  a few months, yet he never excluded me. Q drove to pick me up from the college, my job and my house multiple times; Especially if he wasn’t working and I just wanted to not be alone… get out the house, get attention I wasn’t getting elsewhere.

And I knew he was attracted me in return. Although he was much more “my type” than X and at the time showed me affection that I’d missed – and lacked in the relationship I was in – I still held him as only a friend.  One time, Xavier and I were fighting and didn’t see each other for a little while, so I asked Q to pick me up. The entire time, Xavier blew my phone up with texts and phone calls… I had to explain why I wasn’t answering “my mans” to Q, and he wasn’t too pleased with Xavier’s disapproval. He never wanted to mess up my relationship – or ever feel slightly responsible. So, despite my claims of Xavier’s paranoia and harmlessness, he dropped me off and fell back from me.

Watching him avoid me at the college and take longer to answer my texts did hurt. I finally confronted him one day, but instead of  passively answering in a laid-back way as I expected, he reacted very unexpectedly. Q listened to me for about a minute before cutting me off with a warm, lengthy embrace and then a quick gesture to my chin before walking away. He’d missed me as much as I’d missed him. This is when I began to realize how strongly I felt for him. Feel for him. I also understood just how mutual those feelings were.  It was dangerous territory for my relationship with Xavier and I finally grasped that. So I let him drift away temporarily.

And then X and I took another “break” for some reason that slips my mind now. And I knew we would be back together within a few days, but I wanted to explore my feelings for Q. And so I called him, and he answered. It was like no time passed. We smoked and watched “Fear of the Walking Dead” after getting something to eat and I vented to him about X (nothing he didn’t hear already.) And I was laying there next to him, drifting off in dreams and peace when his figure materialized above me. And then I felt his lips press softly to mine.. a feeling that shuddered me awake. And his smile gave me a feeling that reminded me of how I felt about Xavier a long time a go… in the beginning.

When I got home, I called X and we were back together the next day. I buried what I’d dug up with Q to work on what I thought was what I needed… my relationship with Xavier. But I was wrong and… it wasn’t.

Xavier’s paranoia grew and he contacted Q through my cell to interrogate and disrespect him and that lead to Q cutting me completely off – even as friends.

“Congratulations [insert my real name], you just lost a friend. Good luck in [insert my current career here].”

He didn’t deserve that and I was so sorry that what we had ended up harming because of my efforts to stay with a man I was no longer truly happy with. I remember calling Q one night while crying in Xavier’s basement, mentally constrained and desperate to hear some form of encouragement. When I got Q’s voicemail, I only cried harder and begged him to… I don’t know, understand.

I reached out to Q right before I left the state and I saw him one last time. I cooked for him and we just talked and briefly caught up. But his guard was up and so was mine and lamentably, it wasn’t like before. Then I reached out again about a month ago to talk about everything that happened since X and I parted and now, all is forgiven.

Old feelings came wriggling back when I had a dream about him two days ago: I was laying in his bed, placid as old times. Then he appeared over me again and the familiar kiss turned into much, much more. I called him to relay and that led to a… promising conversation. We’ve made plans to meet when I visit back home in 4 weeks. And now that I’m a free bird… God, I cannot wait.

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