I Still Feel

I think when Xavier and I were together, our spirits or souls combined and we became one entity. It sounds like a figment, I know. But we were connected on such a deep level, that I still feel him. Even when I’m a three hour plane ride and a $400 ticket away.

Now, I’ve been away from him for three months. We haven’t laid together in a very long time, let alone spoken. But for the last couple of nights… I always subconsciously leave a space for his body – feel him laying next to me and hear his light sleeping sighs. Feel him gradually shift ever so slightly. Feel him wake up and sense me next to him, only to do one of two things: 1) “Rape” me or 2) Go back to sleep. I feel his curly hair on my neck and our legs intertwined. Or depending on how we’re laying, I feel his breath against my face.

I use the bathroom and expect him – his company. I wait for the door to open, and for him to walk up behind me in the mirror. Compare our pupil sizes and discover whatever scars/scratches we’ve attained from the night or day before… A kiss. And maybe even more “rape.”

You see, we couldn’t deny each other, our love.

I’m trying so hard to forget him and move on. And then I lay down and wake up feeling like a piece of me is missing. It’s him. He must be talking about me or dreaming of me as I do him. Some one please, answer me this:  How do you let go of two years of your life? It’s like an internal mental asylum. I’m walking around in this life with these ethereal chains connected to my mind, my body, my heart. Help me break free.

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