It took me a month to finish it. Partly because I’m getting adjusted to my newest surroundings, and partly because I’m still hurting. But I would never let X know that. He needs to know that I no longer need him. Although wanting is an entirely different stimulus, I feel like everything’s changed now. I no longer feel comfortable enough to allow him complete access to the inner me. I wrote just enough so that he knows that what we had was real and added some imprecise details so that I come off as completely okay. IRL I’ll let it burn internally, and he’ll… well, he’ll read this:
Dear [Insert shortened version of Xavier’s real name],
I’ve been so mixed since the last time we talked… Sometimes you come into my brain in a very negative way and sometimes I dream of all the good times we’ve experienced over the last two years. I cannot pretend that I’m not shocked at how we officially parted. And Lord knows I miss you. But I think it might be for the best. I’ve come to very peaceful terms and I look forward to what lies ahead. What stories unfold, and what achievements mark my records. And whatever mate finds me on said journey will just have to soar right with me. My original intentions for you.
I have yet to cry over our parting and that alone says a lot about me, my growth, my strength, independence… About you , your role in my life at the time and your great big push.
I always imagine a cliff that you and I would rock back and forth on, fight, laugh, play, consummate, be merry and be miserable at the top of. I think I was so in love with you that I didn’t even realize what we were living atop of. So entangled, that I refused to be anywhere else. That first push was the head butt. (I’ll tell you blog readers more about this situation later on.) But I admit that I was expecting something like that to happen… with our fights and the Craig stories. It was inevitable. I also think that when you pushed, you either caught me last minute or I caught the edge. I knew then that I still loved you but I was no longer in love. Then with one mental breakdown, a lot of rumors and a whole hell of a lot of distrust, you finally let me fall from our cliff. In my descent, I remember hurting so bad, so deep. Can you blame me? I mean I’d thought I’d given you all of me. Through your lies, Kyra, Emon, Gabby, Die – even your lies about Kala and Asia (and I’ve always admitted my mistakes to you – never did I lie about that.) I put so much of me into our relationship that I’m still exhausted. Every time I called you, I hung up feeling exasperated. All the way from [Insert my home state here], you affected me. That doesn’t mean I didn’t want you in my life. There’s multiple reasons I thought you were going to be my husband.
Albeit, the fall wasn’t so bad. I mean I’ve made some realizations, dropped some emotions and people in all that time. And just when I thought I couldn’t do it anymore, I grew wings. You see, I thought I had given every thing I had, every piece of me. But if that was true I think I would’ve stayed in [Insert my home state here]. Maybe I would still be living with you at your mom’s and my granmom’s in between. Maybe I’d still be making less than minimum wage. In my descent after you pushed me, I flew. And oh how I love soaring.
We’ll reconnect in a few years or maybe when I come back home in December. And I’ll share my stories… But you will never hold me down again.
With love and deuces chucked,
[Insert my signature here]
I’m putting the envelope in the mailbox tonight.